63 pages • 2 hours read
Dare I Say It: Everything I Wish I'd Known About Menopause
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Chapters 15-17Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 15 Summary: “What Does ‘Family’ Look Like Now?”
Watts begins by referencing an email from a friend who left her husband in middle age. She argues that many middle-aged women experience changes in how they relate to others, with some choosing to pull back from certain relationships and others seeking deeper connection. She reflects on her relationship with Billy, whom she married in her mid-fifties, remarking, “Loving him has been the kindest thing I’ve ever done for myself” (178). Additionally, she discusses the stress of raising teenagers and the paradox of the freedom of stepping back from childcare and the grief that accompanies an empty nest. Women in midlife may also be taking on new caretaking roles, such as caring for aging parents. For those with caretaking responsibilities, Watts suggests they should focus on themselves and expect a period of “reckoning with how much [they] have sacrificed of [themselves] to others over the years” (181). She offers a script written by author Eve Rodsky when she confronted her husband about the imbalance in their responsibilities.
While researching, Rodsky found that the two most common emotions women felt during middle age are, paradoxically, “boredom” and “overwhelm.” Watts suggests this can be remedied by being open and honest about needs and wants. However, she acknowledges that men may struggle to discuss menopause-related topics due to conditioned discomfort. Citing Dr. Pressman, Watts advises women to advocate for themselves by focusing on quality connections, which have significant on well-being. She shares Dr. Pressman’s “five R’s” for building resilience: relationship, reflection, regulation, repair, and rules.
Watts reiterates that midlife is the time to “lean in” to relationships and passions. She ends the chapter with two additional scripts from Dr. Pressman for starting discussions about menopause with children and with romantic partners.
Chapter 16 Summary: “Getting the Medical Care You Need”
When Watts falls ill, she rarely seeks treatment, often pushing herself through the pain and discomfort. Billy has helped Watts prioritize self-care, and she now realizes that one shouldn’t always push themselves through discomfort but should advocate for themselves. Her focus on medical advocacy began when she was in the hospital having her first child. She planned a natural pregnancy but was rushed in for an emergency C-section. After the birth, she noticed how she and the other mothers in the delivery ward were expected to immediately begin caretaking, despite the traumas their bodies had endured—"All the women in that ward looking shell-shocked as their milk was coming in, or wasn’t, and thinking, Oh my God, my body! What just happened?” (191).
Watts encourages women to advocate for themselves, noting that doctor appointments are stressful, and it can be emotionally challenging for some to discuss menopause seriously. However, she also notes that women are becoming more demanding when it comes to seeking medical care. Individuals in midlife often face increasing health challenges, with high blood pressure and cholesterol, cancer, arthritis, and mental disorders like anxiety and depression among the most common afflictions. Citing Dr. Lindau, Watts warns readers to consult a doctor if they experience post-menopausal bleeding or deep pain during intercourse, both of which are signs of uterine cancer.
To receive proper medical care, Watts encourages readers to find the “right” doctor for them. She acknowledges that this may be a difficult task, supplying another script women can use when broaching menopause topics and recommending an organization—the Menopause Society—that has a list of partnering medical practitioners. Dr. Javaid adds that the medical system is broken and overtaxed—“We’ve set ourselves up for failure. It’s why doctors are leaving the field in droves” (194). Watts encourages readers to prepare for appointments by bringing notes on relevant information and any questions and concerns. She also lists a few red flags for doctors who aren’t the right fit, such as ones who claim that HRT is unsafe.
Chapter 17 Summary: “Closer to Fine”
Watts reiterates that midlife can be a trying time, with menopause potentially making it even more challenging. She hopes that her book will help liberate middle-aged women, emphasizing that the post-menopause phase can span half of a woman’s entire life. She refers to Chip Conley’s examination of overall happiness, which hits a low point in the mid-forties to early fifties but then rises with age. She also references Becca Levy, asserting that a positive outlook on aging correlates to a longer life expectancy. To celebrate her aging, Watts hosted a large birthday party when she turned 50. She notes the numerous female friends she has made, suggesting that women come into each other’s lives when they are in need, “when we crave a community to bolster us through new and difficult times” (202).
Watts reflects on a comment from her friend Ali, who suggested that society fears menopausal women because they aren’t “malleable.” She also cites Jodie Patterson, who notes the high rates of misdiagnosis among menopausal women and discusses the potential future where menopausal women receive equitable treatment. Watts shares her “five Ts” for mitigating menopause and other challenging times: find trustworthy teachers, stick to a timeline, show yourself and others tenderness, find a “tribe,” and seek truth (204).
Watts and the experts she references suggest aging can be a process of enlightenment, maturation, and liberation with proper self-care, accurate and relevant information, and community. She cites Dr. Gunter, who supports the “grandmother hypothesis,” or the idea that women evolved to live past menopause because they play a critical role in human society. However, as Watts notes, not every woman is drawn to caretaking—“Every woman will have to figure out what this transition means for her” (208). She closes her text with a “thank you” to readers and a reminder to practice self-care.
Chapters 15-17 Analysis
In the final chapters of Dare I Say It, Watts brings her exploration of menopause and midlife to a close, tying together key themes and reinforcing the message that midlife and menopause, while undeniably challenging, can also be a time of empowerment, growth, and deeper connection. She emphasizes the emotional complexity of menopause—grief, liberation, reckoning—while advocating for self-care, medical advocacy, and open communication. These concluding chapters serve as a reflection on her own journey and a call to action for embracing aging with confidence, continuing to highlight the importance of Redefining Aging for Women.
A defining aspect of Watts’s approach to menopause is her insistence on acknowledging its emotional ambiguity. Unlike narratives that frame menopause as either purely negative or purely liberating, she highlights the contradictions inherent in this life stage. She describes the emotional weight of an empty nest with both humor and grief, writing:
At each juncture in life, we are thrown challenges that force us to learn and grow. But this one—Congratulations! Your kids are done with you! And at the exact moment when you are no longer physically capable of ever bearing more of them!—has been one of those blows that has resulted in a new form of grief (179).
This passage encapsulates the bittersweet nature of midlife transitions. The mix of “congratulations” and “blows” captures the disorienting emotional shift many women face as they move from caretaking roles into a new stage of self-definition. Watts reinforces this idea when she writes, “Then comes our reckoning with how much we have sacrificed of ourselves to others over the years” (181), underscoring the cultural expectation that women devote themselves to caretaking and put their own needs second. Rather than presenting this realization as a moment of regret, she frames it as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth—an invitation to finally prioritize one’s own well-being.
This emotional complexity is also evident in her discussion of the hormonal aspects of menopause. She acknowledges that sometimes emotions arise without a clear reason, writing of her time in the delivery ward, “Sometimes one of us would cry without even knowing quite why—which speaks to hormones being such powerful forces” (191). This moment is personal and widely relatable, reinforcing her broader argument that menopause is not just about physical changes but also about an internal, emotional transition that deserves validation, emphasizing The Physical and Emotional Impact of Menopause.
Watts repeatedly emphasizes that while menopause can be an isolating experience, much of that isolation stems from societal silence and systemic barriers rather than from the transition itself. She highlights the difficulty of speaking up, especially for women conditioned to be accommodating, and she address these challenges directly by incorporating conversation scripts. She includes Eve Rodsky’s statement to her husband as an example of asserting one’s worth in a relationship:
There are twenty-four hours in my day just like yours. It’s not going to be judged by money anymore. Or whether you believe that somehow your time is more valuable because you earn more. In our household, we both get twenty-four hours in a day. I’m only going to be in this relationship if you value my time as equal to your time (181).
This moment functions as both a tool for readers and a critique of the ingrained gender roles that often leave women overburdened with unpaid labor. Watts acknowledges that even outside of relationships, these barriers persist—“Unfortunately, I feel like a huge proportion of the male population gets squeamish or scared around this stuff” (182)—highlighting how cultural discomfort around women’s bodies contributes to the continued lack of open discussion about menopause.
Similarly, she discusses the challenges of finding quality healthcare, noting both logistical obstacles and medical bias: “I will say that finding the right doctor is not easy, especially given the limits of insurance and scheduling” (194). This practical acknowledgement reinforces her broader theme that self-advocacy is critical. She encourages women to push back against dismissive healthcare experiences, positioning women as active participants in improving not just their own care but the medical landscape as a whole. However, she does continue to emphasize the importance of addressing menopause with the help of the right medical professional. Throughout these final chapters, Watts highlights the importance of both personal and medical support, emphasizing The Importance of Community and Expert Guidance.
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